Knights and Damsels
by SilaOfCreo
Summary: Ex-Knight Suzanne Sylvester has kidnapped Princess Quinn, and it is Sir Santana Lopez' job to rescue her.  Brittany doesn't know why she's there, but the castle is pretty.


A/n: Glee doesn't belong to me. This is crack and probably out of character.

Knights and Damsels

_Knights of McKinleyshire,_

_I have a challenge for those of you who haven't already been castrated by me. Princess Quinn Fabray is locked in the tallest tower of Cheerios castle and you useless freaks have the mission save her. First, you'll have to defeat my dragon, Figgins. Then if you're still alive, you'll move onto the illusion chamber where images of dreams or desires or homosexuality or something will distract you. Then there's eight other tasks that I don't feel like explaining to you because you'll probably die before that anyway. If you somehow manage to live through my challenges, I'll kill you in front of the door to Princess Quinn's chamber._

_So if anyone reading this has the stupidity to accept my challenge, I can't wait to see you wallow in self-pity after you've realized you're a complete failure. And then I'll kill you._

_Suzanne Sylvester_

**XXXX**_  
_

Sir Santana Lopez hated people who thought they were better than her. She knew she had faults. She was a bitch and slept around, but she also knew that she was probably the most adept knight in all of McKinleyshire. No one, not even the dreaded knight-turned-pillager Suzanne Sylvester could scare Santana away from a challenge. Santana resolved to save Princess Quinn, whoever the hell she was, and defeat Suzanne, because Santana was the greatest knight in McKinleyshire and possibly all of Lima.

**XXXX**

If you asked Brittany S. Pierce what she did for a living, she would probably look off into the distance for a moment and then start talking about something else; not because she was avoiding the question but because she had forgotten that a question had been asked.

The point is that Brittany was very forgetful and thusly dangerous to herself, and she often entered into situations where death was likely.

So when she saw Suzanne Sylvester's challenge, she first thought that Suzanne seemed very mean. Then, as she moved away from the poster, she realized that she had always wanted to save a princess. This would be fun.

Soon, Brittany forgot why she was heading for Cheerio castle, but the name was nice, so she kept going.

**XXXX**

The castle was surprisingly pleasant to look at. The front garden was particularly colorful, and the smell of flowers could be detected well beyond the gates.

Sir Lopez noticed none of this, of course, because she was too busy glaring at the oblivious blonde picking flowers to place in her hair or breast. The girl seemed confused but also content, a boggling combination.

For all Santana knew, this girl was part of Sylvester's first task. The first thing learned in Knight School, after all, was that an ex-Knight should never be trusted under any circumstances, especially when that ex-Knight was holding a Princess or Prince hostage. (For some reason, McKinleyshire's ex-Knights equally liked to hold Princesses _and_ Princes captive. Studies have been done investigating the reasons for this egalitarian kidnapping phenomenon, but no conclusive reasons have been wholly agreed upon by McKinleyshire intellectuals.) Taking the devious nature of Sylvester into consideration, Santana marched over to the blonde and threateningly shoved her blade in the girl's face. The blonde continued to pick flowers, although her bosom was already inundated with the greenery.

"Who are you?" Santana demanded.

The girl still did not look at Santana, but she answered, "Brittany. Who're you?" She finally turned to Santana but had yet to notice the sword in her face.

Brittany handed a lily to Santana. The Knight dropped it unceremoniously. Brittany pouted and took on the semblance of someone whose favorite pet had just died, but Santana, being known for her hardy attitude, ignored the look.

Instead she brought herself to full height and announced, "I am Sir Santana Lopez, and I have come to rescue Princess…the princess." The lackluster ending was a result of Sir Lopez's inability to remember the names of people she thought of as insignificant. "Are you here to stop me?"

Brittany lost her sad look and suddenly donned a look of realization. "No, but I came here to save Princess Quinn, too."

(So that was her name.) "So you're my competition?" Santana asked, her eyes narrowing.

Brittany shook her head. "I don't wanna be, so we can save her together. Then we can have a threesome."

Santana stood dumbfounded for a moment by the image of a threesome with this girl and an unknown but undoubtedly beautiful princess. Then, she sheathed her sword without another word, and headed toward the castle. Brittany, not realizing that this was an invitation to go away, followed Santana. Because she was almost certain that this girl wasn't a threat, Santana allowed her to follow. As long as she didn't get in the way, Sir Lopez didn't care.

(Besides, her puppy-like demeanor was endearing.)

**XXXX**

They were accosted by the Figgins dragon as soon as they entered the castle, and Brittany proved instantly useless when she walked into his tail and apologized before being pushed aside by said tail and nearly skewered by his front claw. Santana (probably) grudgingly had to slay the dragon all on her own.

That wasn't much of a problem because the Figgins dragon was particularly un-threatening (and his clawed feet were tied together, oddly enough).

After the dragon was slain, Brittany started crying. Santana had to waste ten minutes calming her down, and in the end, she only listened to a lie. ("He's just sleeping.")

So by the time they got to the Room of Illusion, Brittany had forgotten about the dragon completely. She walked into the room without a glance at the sign which warned against entering. Santana followed the daft girl in sure of her ability to prevent any illusions from tricking her.

Then Brittany who was standing next to the exit vanished, and Santana was almost certain that the girl didn't have supernatural powers, so she internally berated herself for being caught by the mental trap. What the hell was she supposed to do now?

Santana closed her eyes and tried to imagine the real Brittany. Maybe she could be Santana's tie to reality. She opened her eyes and nothing changed.

Then someone was tugging on her arm and saying her name repeatedly in an annoying, juvenile fashion. The room changed into a much darker, larger place, and Brittany materialized beside Santana still repeating her name and tugging on her sleeve.

"I hear you!" Santana yelled silencing Brittany.

Santana quickly apologized and led Brittany out of the Room of Illusion.

**XXXX**

Unfortunately, that would be the only time that Brittany was of any use at all. After leaving the Room of Illusion, she managed to fall through a trap door, nearly get eaten by lions (who she called her best friends after Santana killed them), cause a huge boulder to come chasing after them, initiate the falling of several swinging axes, turn a hallway into a bonfire, get the attention of a horde of teenage boys with knives and a horde of teenage girls with rope separately, and almost get crushed by a giant.

After all of these blunders, instead of wishing for the girl's demise at the hands of an angry god, Santana found herself pleased with Brittany's obliviousness. Everyone and everything she met were her friends, and she was unsurprisingly talented at getting into trouble. She forgot almost everything as soon as it was over, and she was an irritatingly endearing dumb damsel in distress.

The second thing you learn as a Knight after learning that ex-Knights should never be trusted is that damsels in distress should never be allowed to deal with danger on their own. So, Santana was bound by her Knightly code to protect bumbling Brittany as much as Princess Quartz.

Speaking of the Princess, Santana and Brittany were finally done with the tenth task. Santana was in pain and Brittany was determinedly heading up the tallest tower to face Suzanne Sylvester. The thought of facing Sylvester just made her ache more, but she soldiered on to the top of the tower.

Upon finally arriving in front of the door to the Princess' chamber, Suzanne Sylvester was missing. She wasn't in front of the door or behind the side table or even under the floorboards (because the floor was made of stone), so Santana cautiously opened Princess Quinn's door.

What she saw caused her to shut the door loudly and immediately. Rachel Berry, the short, loud, obnoxious Knight who had failed all of her meanness exams had managed to make it through the ten tasks and defeat Suzanne Sylvester. And now she was being dominated by a haughty blonde princess.

Santana took a moment to erase the memory from her brain. Then, she turned to Brittany and said, "There's no princess. Let's go."

"Why would there be a princess?"

Santana rolled her eyes, shook her head, and took Brittany's hand. As she led the girl safely through the castle, she realized that she didn't need the dwarf's princess. She had her own wonderful princess right by her side.

Literally, Santana realized that Brittany was actually Brittany S. Pierce, descendant of Queen Britney Spears and Psyduck King whose parents were very forgetful and had been looking for Brittany for twelve years in between bouts of amnesia.

After leaving the castle, Santana would return Brittany to her parents at the price of her hand in marriage. Brittany would make a silly remark about the rest of her body not being involved, and Britney would forget who her daughter was on the day of the wedding.

But in the end, the two lovers would walk into the sunset holding hands and living happily ever after.

They would also finally get that threesome Brittany wanted plus one, and thusly discover that Sir Rachel was surprisingly adept at certain unmentionable activities involving her mouth and other people's nipples.


End file.
